Husbands Are People Too

While making a snack for my son and I to have during a Veggie Tales DVD, I, as per usual, was thinking. Sometimes I think too much. Or at least, I think I do. But I digress.

I was thinking back to before my husband and I got pregnant, before we started dating even, to when he was so graciously letting me live with him because I didn't really have anywhere else to go. I was thinking about the first time we went grocery shopping together. I don't know, maybe we were dating at that point, I can't remember. He would know I'm sure. He has a large, um...brain capacity. Anyway, I remember wondering if he was going to be embarrassed to be seen with me. You see, at the time we were both working at the same place, and as he is a teacher, I did not want to risk his reputation taking a dive because he was dating me, a lowly aide. He did not seem to mind, but then he is also reserved. He could have been jumping for joy to be seen in public with me, but that would have been on the inside. Outside he is a mask of calm and cool, but who knows whats going on inside his capacious brain. Early in our relationship that always stumped me. I like to know whats going on inside a person's head. I don't know, call me a Woman, but I do. I like to anticipate needs, wants, and whether someone is happy or whether I should duck and cover.

I believe that is one of the things that makes my husband a person too. He is his own being. He knows who he is, he is not afriad of having his own opinion, and if it differs from someone else's, he holds his tongue so that instead of reacting to a statement or situation, he has time to prepare a good response. Don't get me wrong, while I appreciate that about my husband, its also sometimes a little disconcerting. But I suppose that is one of the ways that he is helping me to become a better person. By making me WAIT. I HATE waiting. I am not a patient person. Granted, there are some things that I can wait for, but for the most part, its hard to wait when I am waiting for a response from my husband when it appears that one is needed, or when I finally decide on something I want. But be of good cheer, I am getting better.

So really what prompted this line of thinking was the fact that my husband did the grocery shopping this week. I was wondering if he missed doing it. During almost all of his bachelor years I'm sure he did all of his grocery shopping himself. So my question is, do men miss grocery shopping when they don't have to do it anymore?

Loser

I think it is interesting that some people either cannot have an honest view of themselves, or other people are not willing to be honest about their opinions of other people. I've often wondered if people really think that I am a good person or if they are trying to spare my feelings. I suppose that in trying to spare my feelings their motives are quite clear-i.e. they like me enough to spare my feelings. But I would prefer that people be honest with me.
My own view of myself is poor, I'll admit. Like the title of this entry, I do find myself to be a loser. I do not know very many good defining qualities that can be honestly attributed to my person. So lets see, what is a loser? The World English Dictionary states that a "loser" is

1.	a person or thing that loses
2.	a person or thing that seems destined to be taken advantage of, fail, etc: a born loser

Okay, I'll go with that. I lose. A lot. It sucks. I am not a good winner, and I don't know how to lose gracefully all of the time. After a while, losing all the time gets to a person. Its understandable to be frustrated. And in some cases, No, its not right to accuse your husband of cheating because you are losing EVERY GAME of cribbage.
Moving on...
The Slang Dictionary (which is fast becoming the most used in language today because most people, myself included, don't know how to speak proper, educated ENGLISH) gives this definition for "loser":

1. n.
   an inept person; an undesirable or annoying person; a social failure. : Those guys are all losers. They'll never amount to anything.

Even better. This is how I feel on an almost constant basis when I am out of my element. Even when it is with my husband. Sometimes more so then because he is so much more intelligent than I am and is aware of it. Accomplished people exude an awareness of who they are and their high self-worth. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you are a valuable asset to society. I would love that, but I am not there yet, nor do I feel like I will get to that point any time soon, and so I often feel as if my husband is settling.

I don't know for sure, but I don't think that is healthy.

Looking back on the past....

To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
Tomorrow will be dying.

The glorious lamp of Heaven, the Sun,
The higher he's a-getting
The sooner will his race be run
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times, still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time;
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.

-Robert Herrick (1591-1674)

The First

I was just online thinking about how much I don't know about the internet to the extent that it is more boring for me than it is for other people who know how to use it properly and I remembered this old website and decided to make my presence known to the wider universe. Not that I need to be known, or am searching for any great truth or anything like that. I feel like I have found and know truth enough to know where to find it in the future if I need to get filled up. For instance, if my tank is running low or something.
I have read 4 novels in the last week. Averaging a novel ever day and a half or less. All of them Dean Koontz. I swear that man is a genius. He has a perfect blend of humor and terror to his stories that makes them fun to read and a quick read for those who basically eat print with their eyes, which is what I feel like I have been doing. I am desperately starving for a good story and I'll consume with ferocity anything that has a good plot, excellent character development and something that will not fill me with an aching void, like so many other books will do. After I finished reading the last one I decided that I should probably move on to something else, something I haven't read three or four times before, (The Bad Place 1x, The Good Guy 1x, The Taking 3x, and Life Expectancy 3 or 4x I can't really remember, I almost picked up Odd Thomas again, but I just gave away the paper back version of Forever Odd and I don't want to start the first one until I get the second one. I have all of them in hard back except for Forever Odd). So anyway, I tried to start Livy's The Early History of Rome but I got stuck in the introduction. I was going to forge through it and try to get some learnin in me, but I came across the following quote which stopped me in my tracks: " 'fortunately, however, in those days authority, both religious and secular, was still a guide to conduct, and there was as yet no sign of our modern scepticism which interprets solemn compacts, such as are embodied in oath or a law, to suit its own convenience.' " I have read that quote now three times silently, once aloud and typed it once, just now, and still don't understand it fully. Its huge! I mean, look at all the punctuation! Its a monster sentence. So being sufficiently daunted, I put it aside for later reading, (when my mental testicals are sufficiently fortified and of equal size to the task) and picked up Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment instead. I thought about it last night, and picked it up this morning and have not gone farther than chapter three or four. Not for lack of trying or want, I just got distracted. That is one thing about the books I pick up, I like them to grab me tenaciously and hold on until I don't realize any more that its only printed words on a page, and am so engaged in the story that I have to find out what is going to happen next. To be honest I do have a little of that for this story so far, but not enough to pull me away right now and pick up the book again. (unless, of course, its to get up to grab the book and check the spelling of the author's name, which I have just done).
I also have a list of poets I would like to read: T.S.Elliot, for one. Koontz is continually quoting him in his novels and I would love to see what all the fuss is about. That and I recently found that I accidentally quoted Elliot in one of my own poems. The line that says "Teach us to sit still..."
I would also like to read some of Emily Dickenson's poetry. I have a book of poetry collections, but I have not picked it up and read through it in a while.
I also found something while I was searching poets on the internet- http://www.scaryplace.com/SuicidalPoets.html
I haven't read through it all, but what I glanced over looked very interesting. Something to consider because suicide has often been an intriguing notion, and a glance into the minds of the people who most often shared theirs with the world (most notably the suicidal poets) is something I find interesting.
Humans are complicated and beautiful machinery, looking inside to see how one works is always fascinating. Here I speak of the mind, and the choices we make and what leads us to make those choices.
Life is learning; if we ever stop learning we die, and we are here to learn from each other.

The Scholar