Dark Days

I have been feeling very stressed lately. Sandy is working harder than usual because he has extra jobs on his plate this year, so I don't get to see him that often. Which is not necessarily abnormal. Normally, once school starts, there is a period of transition when we are all getting back into the swing of things. This year, however, he is not only a high school english and history teacher, with all of the homework that entails, he is also the volleyball coach again and now the Athletic Director for the high school. AND the BTSA support person for a new teacher at the school. The AD and BTSA jobs are new this semester and I know that eventually he will get into a groove that is healthier than the one we are in now, but like I said, its all in transition now. We'll get there. Its just really hard right now because I don't get to see him all that often.

As for myself, I have been trying to make the house a home. This house was Sandy's when I first moved in with him and now that we have been married for a couple years and Xander is almost 3, I have finally gotten around to making the place a little more homey, a little more me. But I am not sure that is working. I am not very comfortable here. It is almost as if I can't relax here. I am very stressed and I need a break constantly. A break emotionally, physically and mentally. Not that I am necessarily using all of those parts of me, but I am definitely not 100% anymore, if I ever was. But then, I am not sure that I will be able to be in this house at all. A lot has happened here that is going to take a lot to get over and work out. Speaking of: I am so done with my family. I haven't spoken with my mother or her husband in months and I am still having issues. I can see and hear and feel myself becoming like my mother and I just can't stand it. I need to not be her, for my sake and for the sake of my son. I have considered suicide as a means to guarantee that Xander won't have any serious issues later in life, but I am sure that killing myself would create issues for him. I just don't want to be a bad mom and as much as I love my son, I can't help but think that I should not have been a mother. I don't know what God was thinking when he allowed me to get pregnant. I should have killed myself when I was younger, that would have saved me a lot of trouble.

I just feel so done. And I know that barring some bored person blog surfing, no one will ever read this, but to the person who does, please don't take this post as a "poor me, my life is so terrible, blah, blah, blah....." it may sound that way, but you don't know me. You don't know what I have been through, or am going through. A friend once told me that I am my own worst enemy, well no shit, sherlock. And that is why I feel this way. I just can't help but beat myself up over past or perceived mistakes. I know, I know, I need therapy.