Goodbye

There is so much that I wanted to write.

So many stories that I wanted to tell. But now, its a race against time, see who wins, my fingers or the pills and wine.

I believe there is a select group of people out there. People who just cant hack it. "It" being life. Maybe we were a mistake. We were born missing some vital component that would help us to handle those situations in which we found ourselves to be lacking in some way or other. We can go through life, trying our very hardest, but not quite succeeding. Always just one something short of making it.

Damn.

We try. We really do. But we just can't quite make it...

And unfortunately, we are gifted at loving people. We love SO hard it hurts sometimes. And those people who we love...well...they go with us. Wherever we go.

I should not have drank only wine. I might throw up those pills.

I couldn't find the nerve to cut myself. I'm too chicken I guess. Pills are easier. Not at first, but once you take the first few, the rest follow pretty easily. And as I said in an email,

"the thing about suicide is, you can't think about it. You just have to do it. 

If you think about it, you're only torturing yourself more and making it harder, but once you take the plunge, it gets easier. You take two pills, then two becomes four, and then four becomes a handful. Its not so bad."

The only bad thing is the people you take with you. The people you Love. or Loved. 

I don't feel so good. I'm not sure if that's because I drank only wine, or because of the pills. My luck, its the wine. 

I can't believe it came down to this. I am having a hard time believing that .... I don't know. I don't feel so good. 

at least I said "I love you" to the ones I needed to, and "I'm sorry" to the one I needed to. Even if it wasn't entirely my fault. I am in control of my own actions. No one else should have power over me. 

....but of course, they do....

gotta go...